Samantha is the first thing. In the midst of the hospital and caring for Lila and being home and sick, she lost a tooth. It was her fifth. And you know what? We did nothing with it. We have a special tooth fairy pillow. We didn't find it, we didn't put it in there, and the tooth fairy did not come. She hasn't mentioned it, but I think it likely that she has not forgotten. I feel like I am not being the mom I want to be to Samantha when Lila is sick like this.
And Lila. She said this morning, "when I'm in the hospital I feel like I can never laugh again." I'm sure she does. Her nightmares have gotten far worse, scary bad in the last 10 days or so. They're talking about calling in a psych consult to help her deal with her trauma over being in the hospital.
I so want a simple, playful, happy childhood for my girls. A childhood that feels secure and carefree and I feel like I am failing. After Denver, I was starting to get there after the last two years, but now? I don't know. I am so discouraged. I keep talking the talk to myself - this isn't the start of being in the hospital all the time - it isn't. But it feels like it. Maybe I shouldn't write and post when I feel like this but in so many ways, I'm not sure what else to do.
So thanks for reading. And thanks for praying until I can find my sense of gratitude and thanksgiving again.
Kristen, I wrote a comment already,but it didn't post for some reason. Please know that we are praying for you guys and wish that we
ReplyDeletecould be there to help in some tangible way. You are all strong people and can handle what comes your way. If you told Samantha how sorry you are about her tooth, I believe that's what she'll remember, not that you forgot. Keep us posted. I usually read daily. Love, Jency
Maybe these are the times when you need to write posts the most. So keep writing. Do what it takes to make it through. Every time you post, there are so many of us who immediately make our way over to read what you have written and sit in silent solidarity with you, crying with you, aching with you, even though we may be hundreds of miles away.
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong woman, a tender mother, and you amaze and inspire me. I love you, my friend.
Emily =)