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Lila was admitted to the hospital again Tuesday morning. This is Thursday and we haven't seen the doctors yet today and so there is a chance we might go home today. Tomorrow is more likely. The doctors think that Lila has H1N1, although at this point they seem to think knowing that for sure is not that important. Whatever she has, it has really triggered her asthma. And it happened fast. Monday night she went to bed after a fairly normal day, Monday night she spiked a temp and started a nasty, deep cough. When she got up Tuesday morning her peak flow numbers were at 30% of her normal lung capacity. So, pediatrician, Denver doc consultation, ER, admit. And here we are.

I was really afraid that I was going to be dismissed because of how unusual it is for a 3 year old to use a peak flow meter. But none of the doctors did. They were all terrific and we got all my favorites (well, except for the med school intern in the ER but he's young and was just disbelieving, not rude).

They have her on breathing treatments every three hours around the clock. Her numbers are slowly coming up. Last night they were good enough for discharge. This morning they are not. So I don't know what they'll do.

In one way this is really horrible. I haven't slept for three nights. I had forgotten how hard it is to sit here and watch Lila struggle. I had forgotten how sore my body gets from sitting in weird positions and tensing my muscles all the time. I had forgotten how awful it feels to just check out of my life without warning for days at a time. No work, no plans with friends, everything upside down, almost no time with Samantha and the guilt of that, missing Ben, not cooking, not cleaning. It is so hard. It is so terribly exhausting.

But here's the blessing in it. I had a chance to forget. We knew that we weren't coming home from Denver with a healed girl. We were coming home with a better plan to take care of our girl with chronic lung problems. It has still taken an immense amount of management. But it has been four months since her last admission to this hospital. Enough time for me to forget some of it. That's a blessing.

The doctors here say that she is bouncing back much faster than previous times because her lung problems are under so much better control. They say if she does indeed have H1N1 with her lung problems that's a pretty good reason to be admitted - not a failing in our care of her. These are good news. And although I would not like it, I can handle an admission once every four months if that's what we have to do. It is so much better than the once every 4-6 weeks. Again - thank you, Denver, thank you, those who prayed and gave money.

Lila has been such a trooper. These four months have made a difference in her maturity and she is explaining to the doctors what they need to do to take care of her. "I do not need an IV but you need to give me breathing treatments even at night. Wake up to do that, ok? Also I only like my blood pressure taken on this arm. Also my temperature goes in my armpit, not my bottom. Also when that machine dings it means my breathing is bad and you need to put the thing in my nose to help me breathe better. Did you got that?" She is a character.

Samantha has been bothered by all this. I think she thought we were done with it. She is such an orderly, scheduled girl that my heart aches that we are just gone...again and once more her life is irregular. It makes her feel insecure about everything, I think. On the other hand, she seems to be enjoying some one on one time with Ben. She was getting so much of that before when Lila was in the hospital and lately hasn't been. It's made us aware that we need to give that some attention when life is normal again.

And this time I have faith that it will be normal again. Sure there is fear that this is the beginning, that it's starting all over. But really I think this is just a dip that we were told would come. And we just have to ride through it. I'll have to take care of my family, allow enough time for us all to recover when we do get home, and thank the Lord that Lila will get better and that this has become the exception to our life rather than the norm.

If anyone out there is still reading, I'm grateful for your interest and care. Let me know you're reading if you can, it would help. Thanks all for all you've done.