Hospital at Home
I'm puzzled. For two days, Lila has slowly been getting worse. Her numbers are slowly going down. I could probably take her to the hospital now. She doesn't really need it yet but having seen this show before, I would put money down that we will go back in the next day or two.
What I don't understand is why this makes me so crazy. I feel like all I am doing is sitting around waiting for Lila to get sick enough to go in. Oh, I'm still doing dishes and playing with Sam and taking care of odds and ends but there's this cloud over me. It's like I can't start anything; I feel unfocused. And the most confusing thing is I am almost...eager to go. Like if we have to do it, let's just get it done and over instead of this interminable waiting. What I want is her to be healthy but if she's not going to be then let's get it done.
I have a farm to run and a 6th birthday party to plan and a house to get in order and a job to look for - and it feels like I can't really sink my teeth into any of that while I am waiting and checking and watching.
It sounds whiny and pessimistic, doesn't it? Maybe things will turn around and we will avoid the dreaded hospital. And we aren't there now, so why not embrace being at home even if it might end soon? I just feel in between, neither fully here nor there.
But. We will continue to muddle through and do the best we can. We continue to covet and be grateful for all your prayers.
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