"Child Be Still..."

Life has finally slowed down just a bit. My head, my worries, my fears, my stress has not slowed down at all. Yesterday was our first day home without doctors or hospitals, but it was crazy. We had a scaled down birthday party for Samantha who will be six on Tuesday. Our friends David, Arwen, and Phoebe came. They were fresh air after a stagnant month. They brought love, a reminder of what's important, advice and hope for the future, and real care. Good friends are a gift and we are lucky that they are in our life. I was so tired, I'm not even sure what all we talked about but their presence was a balm on what has been a painful, isolated life lately.

So Lila has been back and forth and up and down. She came home on Wednesday, but was not doing very well. There was much consultation between us and the Denver doctors and our doctor. The Denver docs suggested several things since she was getting worse again. Thursday morning we spent the morning at our doctor who confirmed she was getting worse again. She sent us to the hospital for a sinus CT and chest xray. On the way home from that, Lila passed out. So back to the ER. While we were there, they were able to get the results of her earlier tests. She definitely had bad sinuses which were another explanation, another piece of the puzzle for why she is struggling to breathe. We got to go home but spent most of Friday at the doctor being evaluated to make sure we could stay home. I feel like she is a little better yesterday and today. Hopefully the trend continues.

It's so rough on us all. It's been a month yesterday since Lila got the flu and everything just crashed. Should it be this hard? Are we doing this wrong or poorly? I don't know.

This visit, Lila really struggled. She was yelling at doctors and nurses and resisting her breathing treatments. I felt pressure to keep her calm, but I certainly didn't blame her. How does a three year old process this all? Samantha has been so on edge since we've been home. Crying and emotional over everything. I can't really blame her. How does a six year old process all of this? And I am so tired. More tired than I feel like I should be. We're home and I've had three nights of mostly decent sleep. I've had good meals. So why am I still exhausted? Why does my stomach still feel like it's in knots?

I am so ready for routine and so scared to hope for it. How does one live life with these unknowns? I can't settle into routine until we recover and until I start to believe that this time is over.

I'm spinning. I'm listening for that still, small voice to come to me saying, "child, be still." If I could settle long enough, maybe I would hear it.